The Sad Moments In Life Sometime Remind Us How Loved We Truly Are

 I have felt ready for another baby for quite a while now(almost a year) but with Matt's crazy schedule he was worried about him not being her for me both physically and emotionally. So when December rolled around and he said he was ready to start trying I was thrilled but for the most part laid back about when it happened. I called and scheduled to have my IUD out on Dec 10th. We got our secondary insurance in place and decided to wait til the end of January to really start trying...it would give my UC another month of remission(8 months to be exact) and some leeway for our insurance. So when the day I was supposed to start my period came I took a test immediately like at 2:30am before I went to work..lol. The line was pretty faint but there was a line I was so excited and I quietly woke Matt up to tell him. He was completely out of it and asked if I could tell him again later that day and he could act more excited! But since the line was so faint we decided to take another test 2 days later and again the line was faint but there.

I called Dr Boheen and asked when she wanted to see me. Since my UC had flared the same week we found out she said she wanted to see us at 7 weeks. So April 7th we all loaded up and headed to see our baby. Matt and I both really thought this one would be a boy. The boy that ever dad dreams of after being out numbered by girls. Matt said he would love a boy but wouldn't mind if it was a girl either. Although I was excited beyond belief something in me wasn't settled. I just felt like something was wrong. I constantly wondered if today would be the day I miscarried or possibly I wasn't even pregnant at all. I was anxious about everything and I chalked it up to wanting to be pregnant for so long. The girls, especially Hallie, was excited to see the baby growing in mommy's tummy. Dr Boheen pulled up the ultrasound and said everything looked great but was measuring a little smaller so she adjusted my dates to 6 weeks to compensate for the size. I asked a million questions about the placenta, the development structure, ect but she said at that point everything was looking good. I again pushed the bad thoughts away and started planning for the future. Our due date was Nov 30 but Dr Boheen said she was thinking more like the 16th. Which funny enough when our 1st due date was Nov 23rd I said since we are usually a little early Nov 16th sounds good. Here is a picture from our 1st ultrasound

Because of my UC my drs(both ob and gi) wanted me to be seen every 2 weeks through my 1st trimester and then make a decision after that. So on April 21st I headed back to the dr this time by myself. Matt was in St. George on business so I left the girls with a friends to play. They decided to do another ultrasound but this time Dr. Boheen said she didn't think she had good news for me. The results weren't pleasant that 1st flutter of a heart beat we had seen at the 1st appointment was now gone and the baby hadn't grow very much and at this point should have been about 9 weeks. I was in shock and wasn't quite sure what to say. She explain that often babies that are missing chromosomes/abnormalities abort themselves this early due to the fact that they aren't compatible with life. She told me how sorry she was and asked if I was ok. I just sat there kinda emotionless I was shocked but not. My logical nurse brain got it I have seen several babies that may have been better off not having to endure Earth life....but not my baby. It was supposed to be healthy and whole. All those thoughts and feelings that had crossed my minds in the previous weeks I believe were God preparing me for this. But really how do you prepare yourself for this. Dr. Boheen explained my options and wrote me a Rx after the decision was made. I got to the car and panicked how would I tell Matt, how would I even bring it up? He was supposed to be having a work trip complete with golf and building relationships. What would he say? How would he react? I didn't even know how to react. I had another dr appointment to get to so I just gave it a minute to sink in. I text Matt and told him once he had a minute alone to call me. He called while I was in the waiting room for the next Dr. Appt. I excused myself and did my best in between sobs to explain to him that we had lost our baby. I heard the other end quiet and then I could tell he was upset to. He asked what I wanted him to do and I didn't know I didn't even know what to do. I told him to finish his trip and head home as planned. Once I got home after picking up the Rx it really set in. I read the directions and looked online for people's experience with Cytotec and I became even more panicked. People had gotten horribly ill and some needed hospitalization. I called my mom, knowing she had had a miscarriage in between Maddi and Nate. She didn't answer I called again and no answer. I figured she was at work but I needed my mom. I googled her office and called and was relieved when she answered the phone. I felt relieved to have her voice on the other line. I sobbed at 1st she couldn't even tell who I was. I calmed myself to the point I could explain myself.  And then we cried together. She told me it was going to be ok and we talked it out a little. It made me feel better to tell someone that had the same experience. Once I had calmed down my mom had to go back to work but said she would call later to check in. I called Matt and told him I had changed my mind I needed him in just about every way possible. He responded with he had already decided he was coming home and was headed our direction in less than 20 minutes. I called my friend Erin, I needed her, she came right over and just held me. I didn't know what else to do so I just cried. Her husband happened to be home so he offered to some over and give me a blessing.  The blessing was so wonderful it brought a lot of peace and comfort to my chaotic world. I felt the Lords love for me and was told we would be blessed with more kids when the time was right. I found myself feeling grateful for the opportunity to have been chosen by this baby to help him/her complete their mission on Earth as short as it had been. And even found some light hearted humor in the fact that I have always wanted 5 kids but Matt would prefer to have no more than 4 so this was the Lord's way of giving me what my true heart desire of having 5 kids but I will have to wait to raise him/her in the eternities. At that moment I felt so grateful for the gospel and the promises that families are forever. So I waited patiently for Matt to come home. Hallie was confused and asked what was wrong I did my best to explain to her that there was no longer a baby in mommies belly that it had to go back and live with Jesus. She seemed to understand, hugged me, told me she loved me, and went on with what she was doing. After the blessing I felt really good emotionally. It was hard taking the medication I questioned if the dr was wrong that I would be killing our baby and that was hard but I knew in my heart the dr was right. I took the medication and hoped for the best. Once Matt got home a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't need him to do anything but just be here. The results of the medication were better than I had prepared myself for but less than comfortable for sure. Matt and I had some really great conversation and felt at peace with the situation. On Wed (2 days later) I went back in for another ultrasound to make sure the medication had worked and that everything looked good. When Dr Boheen pulled up the picture everything looked clear but Hallie was disappointed when she realized there would be no pictures of a baby today. I explained to her that someday, hopefully soon, that we would have another baby for her to see in mommies belly. After the ultrasound it all seemed so final and the roller coaster of emotions has continued. Today Hallie asked to see the ultrasound picture and asked quite a few questions that I didn't know how to answer. I did my best to explain that in times like this we have to have faith that the Lord loves us and knows whats best. I know all of this seems so depressing and horribly sad and it has been but I hope that in the moments I look back on this or remember how I felt I remember the love I have felt from my father in heaven that loves me and know that I am trusting that someday I will get to raise that special little spirit that only needed to stay a short time to finish their time on Earth. And I hope that grandma was right when she said that before I got my babies that she would be loving them for me.

Grandma Norr---10 Years

(I have always loved this picture although she didn't it reminds me of the "healthier" her that I miss so much)

Sunday marked the 10 year anniversary of my Grandma Norr passing away. I was realizing that I don't think I have ever blogged about her and I want to write down several of the memories I have with her so that generations to come will know what an amazing women she was. When my parents told my grandma they were pregnant one of the 1st things out of her mouth was that she was not the built in babysitter and wouldn't be expected to babysit every weekend. But when I was born that all changed and she quickly ate her words and couldn't get my parents to leave me or the rest of my siblings(as they came along) enough. I remember countless weekends spent at her house whether my parents were home or not. She would always get up early and make the most delicious scrambled eggs and toast that I still to this day can't replicate. Our stays with grandma also included board games, puzzles, and tea parties. My grandma's health was never great as long as I can remember but she always tried to be involved in our lives. My grandpa made her a board to put on her lap so she could play games or do puzzles with us. We would play monopoly and tiddly winks. She always had space on her lap for another kid to read the story to and to this day I treasure the stories I relieved when she passed away. I like to look at them some of them still smell like her house and it warms my heart to see her handwriting in them. They also had a small table and chairs that sat on their back covered patio where she would serve us tea and crackers aka caffeine free diet pepsi and saltine crackers and cheese or graham crackers and frosting. She had a nice glass tea set she let us use and never acted worried that we might brake something. Much like her tea set her jewelry drawers in the bathroom were free game as well we would dress ourselves in her silk nightgowns held up with hair elastics and covered in jewelry to prepare ourselves for our "wedding" in the backyard. Grandpa would drape a tarp over their bench swing  and we would use artificial flowers to decorate the space. Our cousins next door would come over and join the party it was a ton of fun. We would spend hours playing office at the role top desk complete with endless pens, paper, and a 10 key calculator. When we would go to stay in our bedroom was complete with rainbow sheets and a music box that lit up. The days my mom worked were always the days we got sick or not feeling well. We knew we could call grandma and her and grandpa would come get us. When they did it was always complete with grandma's purse that included a pill bottle full of water and some kind of snack usually grapes or a small sandwich made of crackers and bread. Every fall we would go up Black Smith Fork Canyon for the deer hunt. All of our distant cousins would come. We spent a lot of time around the fire, playing in the dirt, riding horses, hiking, reading stories and cooking in grandmas trailer. For Christmas I remember waking up and waiting patiently while we waited for grandma and grandpa to get there so we could open our presents. Grandma always brought breakfast...breakfast casserole that is. We stopped at their house every Sunday after church grandma would have dinner and grandpa always made home made bread for us to enjoy. She always took us shopping for dresses at a place called Mini World they had beautiful elaborate dresses that made you feel like a princess. For birthdays we all got gifts not just the birthday girl. I always felt like she went the extra mile to make us feel special and loved. I remember when her health was not at a point she could come to my high school graduation I was so sad. She sat down with me and explained that there would probably be many things in the future she would miss but I should always know that she would be thinking of me and with me in my heart watching over me. She explained that before I would have kids that she would be rocking, singing to, and loving on my babies. Saturday night Hallie asked if any of her great grandmas were alive. I explained that her great grandmas were grandma Sheryl's and Papa's moms. She thought it was so funny that grandma's need a mom. I did my best to explain to her that no matter how old you are you need your mom. I explained to her that she was named after grandma Norr  whose middle name was Mae. She thought that was really cool but then asked why we had named her after her. My mind wandered for a minute so many memories and good times to try to explain to her. So much goodness and love in one person that I can only hope that she finds in herself someday. I told her some funny and silly stories. She asked what we did for fun and if she would like her. I assured her that she would have loved her she was the best grandma ever. Im very proud to have named Hallie after my grandma Norr I have so many great memories of her and the person she was. I can't wait to someday introduce my kids to my grandma with out all of her worldly health problems. She always was more worried about others than herself. Even when she was so close to passing away she waited until everyone had fallen asleep before she finally went. She was so loving, caring, giving(sometimes almost to a fault), I never heard her talk badly about anyone, and always tried her best to be there and involved in our lives.  I truly feel her presence in my life and often go to pick up the phone to realize she is no longer there to talk to. I feel so blessed in my life to have known her and have spent the time I did with her.

Our Easter Sunday

On Easter sunday we got up and ready to head to morning church. It was a little hectic trying to get all our food going and still get everyone ready and to church but we all made it. After church we decided to take some pictures and they all turned out pretty well. The girls were for the most part cooperative so it went really quickly. Hallie was so excited about her "Elsa" dress and Gracie kept looking in the mirror and spinning saying she was a princess. It was so cute and I was pleased they both liked their dresses.

I love these 2 girls they give meaning to my day and made me a mom

These girls love their dad and get so excited when he comes home. We are looking forward to this summer when he will have less school and will hopefully be home more.

Part of the deal with the girls to take their pictures is that we would let them take our picture. This is Hallie's she did a great job. 

After we took a few pictures we headed inside to change and make a few finishing touches to our Easter dinner. We were really excited to have Kerry and Joy join us and equally as lucky that Chris made it back to Orem from California to join us as well. Joy brought the girls so cute bunnies for their gift...the girls love them. After getting everyone greeted and seated we dished up our food since we were all starving. Our dinner consisted of Honey orange glazed ham, scalloped potatoes, blueberry jello salad, deviled eggs, rolls, cinnamon fluff butter, and of coarse dessert...A chocolate cake with toffee bits, chocolate mousse, and ganache topping. It was amazing and actually gluten free(it has quinoa in it).

It was such a nice quiet dinner. We enjoyed visiting and just catching up. I think we have seen more of Matt's parents in the last couple weeks than we have in months. We have really enjoyed spending time with them and hope it becomes a frequent occurrence. After we got dinner cleaned up we played a game of phase 10 while the girls watch a movie. It reminded me of playing games with Matt's family before we got married....such a fun time. Then Matt was off to St. George and everyone headed home. It was a great Easter with many memories made.  

The Easter Bunny Visit

 With all we had planned this weekend we wondered when the Easter Bunny would find time to visit. Lucky for us he came Saturday during nap time. Hallie talks alot about the "bunny trail" of candy that our bunny leaves for us and she was very pleased when she found the trail when she woke from her nap.

Our Bunny Loot-Matt and I got a pizza stone, some reese's eggs, and some spicy almonds

 Gracie's Haul-bubble gun, swimsuit, toothbrush, sunglasses, camelbak,  2 new dresses, and a bunch of different treats

 Hallie's Haul-bubble gun, outfit, toothbrush, camelbak, sunglasses, a new "elsa" dress, and some treats 

 Hallie was the 1st awake and after eating 1/2 of her bunny trail she was so excited about so many of the things she got  she didn't know what to try out first.

 Gracie woke up about a hours later and I don't think she could eat the candy fast enough she was so excited.

 Hallie was very quick to get up from what she was doing and made sure she "educated" Grace on what the bunny trail was and what it meant.

The girls spend most of their afternoon playing with their bubble guns and asking of they could eat more treats. As for me I couldn't wait to try out my new pizza stone. Ever since our pizza cooking date night I have been obsessed with BLT pizza and I was super excited to make it again. It worked great.

It was a great day spend making memories and enjoying a day being together.

Easter Egg Hunts

Saturday was a little crazy and we had to do some creative planning. Hallie had a soccer game at 10am and of coarse thats when the Manor Care Easter Egg hunt was which is a tradition for us. So we decided we would get everyone up and ready and head to the South Ogden hunt at 9am. We got there about 5 minutes before the hunt started after battling the crowds to find a parking spot and then hiking the 1/2 mile to the park. They had the kids separated into every 2 year age groups so Matt took Hallie to find her group and I stayed with Grace. 

After they said go the hunt lasted all of maybe 2 minutes before everyone had collected their eggs.

I think Gracie may have loved the running to get to the eggs the best we kept telling me how excited she was and squealing with delight.

 Both girls got quite a few eggs and then we needed to empty them in order to return the eggs. When we started to open them we were pretty disappointed 99% of the eggs were full of salt water taffy. Each of the girls did get an egg with a gold dollar and a couple eggs with Mcdonalds french fry coupons.

 Then we headed back to the car so Matt could take Hallie to soccer and I could take Gracie to the Manor Care hunt. We got to the care center in time to visit with old friends that still work there and then headed to line up to hear the rules. They line the residents up so they can watch the kids hunt for the eggs...they get so excited for them. The last couple years they have given each child a number that has 10 coordinating eggs. Although it can make the hunt more of just that a hunt but it is also more fun than one that lasts 30 seconds. They have way more numbers than they do kids so after everyone has about 10 minutes they let everyone know that all numbers over are free and then it is the free for all. They also do several golden eggs that have awesome prizes. We ended up with more and better candy(mostly chocolate) at the care center. While I cleaned out the eggs Gracie got to enjoy some punch and a cookie. After we cleaned out our eggs to return them Gracie had to take a good look through all her candy to pick out a few to eat.

This sweet girl had so much fun and I had a blast getting to take her. Hopefully next year it will work out so Hallie and Matt can join us.

My Health

Sometimes slowing down and realizing you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others is hard and frankly a pain in the butt but what can you do. In Feb and March I had a handful of heart palpitations and my dr decided we should look further into it to be safe instead of sorry. Matt and I agreed and schedule my heart echo-cardiogram to make sure everything was looking "normal." And then while waiting for an opening I had the flare with my UC. While looking for a direction of help with my UC I found a friend whom had used NAET testing with herself and her little boy with amazing results. How it works it they test your muscles for sensitivities. They do this by placing a vile of a chemical compound in your palm and test your muscle strength. If you are sensitive your arm will fall from weakness and then they use acupressure to correct your imbalance and essentially retrain your body not to react to the particular food or substance. At my 1st visit I asked the dr what I could expect(what I would give to just eat a pizza hut pizza and kfc without getting sick) he said it could be anything from no longer being sensitive at all to being minimally sensitive and just limiting my intake.  After discussing it Matt and I decided to give it a shot and see what happened. So now I see a dr twice a week for "treatments" which are in Layton. Its very inconvenient and cluttering my simple life I really love but I am trying to better myself so I can better take care of others. I feel like I am supposed to be learning something from this whether to better my life or the life of someone I come into contact with so I am trying to focus on that. Fingers crossed hoping for great results.

Hallie's Parent Teachers Conference and the Kindergarten Decision

Wed after picking Hallie up at dance the girls and I headed to parent teacher conference. I really didn't know what to expect having never been to one. When we got there the girls were happy to play in the play area while the teacher and I visited. At the first of the year Hallie's preschool teachers had tested her and the end of Feb tested her again on the same curriculum. The teacher had together a sheet to show the testing results. Coming in Hallie was already ahead of most of those in her class. And seeing the improvements she had made made me even that much more comfortable with the decision we have made to send her to kindergarten a year early. Back in November Hallie preschool teachers approached us and asked if we had considered trying to get her into kindergarten a year early saying that she would "be bored" if we were to put her in preschool again the following year. After a lot of discussion Matt and I decided to talk to Hallie and look into it. Hallie has wanted to go to kindergarten for a year now and at the beginning of the year when they did a questionnaire and one of the questions asked what you hope to accomplish this year and she said go to kindergarten so we already knew what she would say. So we decided to look further into it and upon doing so found that the school district made no exceptions they felt it was better for a child to come into kindergarten and be moved to 1st grade than to put them in kindergarten early. Matt and I didn't agree with this. We felt like that could be really overwhelming going from preschool 2 days a week for 2 hours to 1st grade which is M-F and multiple hours a day. So after deciding that we started looking into private schools. After more discussion, multiple opinion, and a lot of prayer we decided we would put her in private school to get her through kindergarten in the hopes that we would be able to move into another school district before she gets further in her education. I don't know if you ever know as a parent that you made the right decision but we are really excited to see how this adventure goes. Any ways back to the story...her teacher could say nothing but good. She said she is a "teacher's dream" and that she would likely be the "child driving the kindergarten class." She also said she is very driven, strong willed, kind, loving, and a perfectionist. None of which I am surprised by she is a lot like her mom. It is hard to explain how proud we are of her and the little girl she is and is becoming and how much we love her. This is one of her chalk drawings she has been working on. She is really into rainbows and all the colors right now. 

Dying Easter Eggs

 We decided for FHE to dye Easter eggs the girls were super excited and Hallie asked all day when Matt would be home so we could get the eggs going. When the time finially came Hallie was very patient and even helped Gracie write her name on her egg before we dyed them.

 The eggs could get colored fast enough. Hallie drew princesses on most of her eggs along with her name and some flowers. Gracie drew swirls and Hallie wrote Gracie's name on hers for her. We did about a dozen eggs but I think the kids would have done 5 dozen if we would have let them Gracie wasn't very patient about letting the eggs sit and as soon as one was in she wanted to be putting another so we came up with some great color complications.

I think the girls had a great time. When we tucked Gracie into bed she kept saying fun, fun. Love eggs. 

 Here is Hallie with all her eggs

We did about a dozen eggs but Im pretty sure the kids would have done 5 dozen if we would have cooked that many. We have already turned them into some delicious deviled eggs that we all enjoyed. 

Just Another Monday at Home

Mondays are some of my favorite days. Most people would not say this but Monday at our house usually means staying home in our pjs and essentially putting our lives back together(laundry, cleaning, napping, ect). Here are a few pictures of our past Monday. A couple weeks ago one of the main water lines broke in the middle of the road and washed away a large section of the road. The night they fixed it they patched it and I guess chose this day to come fix it more permanently. The girls were glued to the window watching all the heavy equipment and the dozen guys they sent.

 Salon time is a frequent occurrence at our house and this day was no exception. They take turns trading places hey it saves me having to do their hair Im on board.

I really do love Mondays I feel like they are my reset button. I get all my cleaning and laundry done this day then something unusual happens I don't have to think about laundry or cleaning until the next week, It really helps me feel sane. And I totally love days that we all stay home and are just together.

Hallie's 1st Soccer Game......For Mom at Least

I was so excited to watch Hallie play soccer and just as excited to see her daddy coach(he seems pretty excited about it). The weather this week really was perfect. We took our lawn chairs and set them up in the sun and it felt perfect. The team meets 30 minutes before their game to "practice" and run some drills. Here are a couple pictures of their practice. Matt said the girls have even improved between last week and this week.

 Getting a pep talk before the game started

 We were also really excited that Grandma could come watch. Hallie was so excited. It really means a lot to me when family makes the effort to come to our "stuff." Even in if it is for a 4 year old soccer game.

 Hallie with her "coach"

 After the game all the girls get so excited to get treats for doing their best

 This little Gracie loved sitting by grandma during the game and I really enjoyed visiting with her we don't see them nearly enough

 Our little soccer family

Here's to a fun season, learning alot, and having a great time.

Pizza Date Night

Our pizza date night was another one put on by the USU/WSU extension for healthy marriages and families. And as have the activities in the past this was another really fun one. Most of Friday I was feeling really crappy and we spent most of the day on the couch watching movies. By the time Matt got home I was frustrated and din't know what to do. Matt suggested we just stay home and take it easy. We had already paid for our date and had a babysitter so I hated to just bag all of it. So I made myself get up, took some pepto bismal, and got ready to go hoping some where along the way I would feel better. We stopped at Walmart and got me some gluten free pizza crust before we headed to Clearfield for the cooking class. It was a little disorganized and took longer than I would have like to get eating but it was a lot of fun. Here is a picture of Matt's pizza before it was cooked.

 Our selfie while waiting for our pizza to cook

 Eating our pizza....it was delicious

 It was a fun night spent together. In the end I was really glad we went. I love Matt more all the time and the more time I get to spend with him the better. I am looking forward to going to more of these classes.

Zoo Time

We have been waiting for the weather to warm up enough to make it to the zoo. Kimber said it needed to be about 70 so when we say the weather for this week we coordinated and found that Thurs was best for all of us. When we picked this day I had no idea it was sibling day but it was a great day to celebrate anyways. I picked Nic up after Hallie go tout of preschool and we headed for the zoo. When we got there I was a little nervous the parking lot was packed but we decided to give it a go and if it was to busy we would go find something else to do but it wasn't to bad. We decided to go backwards in the rotation to try to miss some of the crowd. The kids love to climb on these rocks and when I asked to take a picture of them Hallie and Rigs insisted on posing while Gracie seemed a little more clueless as to what they were doing.

 We seem to always take a break at the giraffes and have drinks and snacks which also seems like a great time to take pictures.

 When we got to the sea lions the kids sat down in anticipation for the show to start but as they sat down rigs said, "no waiting I the otter show"...it was quite funny and he had us all laughing.

 The kids spent most of their time asking about the slash pad and I found myself wondering if we should have just gone to Gateway to let them play in the water. But they seemed to have a great time looking at the animal sand chasing and playing with each other. Luke and Kinley were also there but Kim had Luke in a backpack and Kinley was in the stroller.

 After we left we decided we wanted to stop and get a cool treat but also needed some food for some of us so we found a local Wendys and it was just what we needed on this extra warm outing of ours. The kids all loved their frostys...can't you just see the joy on Hallie's face?!?

I was super excited that 2 days in a row I had felt pretty good. Until on the way home form the zoo we had to stop for multiple potty breaks. Thank heavens Nic was with me so i could just leave the kids with her. One of these days it will all get worked out Im just trying to be patient. All and all it was a great day and I had such a fun time hanging out with my sisters.