I have felt ready for another baby for quite a while now(almost a year) but with Matt's crazy schedule he was worried about him not being her for me both physically and emotionally. So when December rolled around and he said he was ready to start trying I was thrilled but for the most part laid back about when it happened. I called and scheduled to have my IUD out on Dec 10th. We got our secondary insurance in place and decided to wait til the end of January to really start trying...it would give my UC another month of remission(8 months to be exact) and some leeway for our insurance. So when the day I was supposed to start my period came I took a test immediately like at 2:30am before I went to work..lol. The line was pretty faint but there was a line I was so excited and I quietly woke Matt up to tell him. He was completely out of it and asked if I could tell him again later that day and he could act more excited! But since the line was so faint we decided to take another test 2 days later and again the line was faint but there.
I called Dr Boheen and asked when she wanted to see me. Since my UC had flared the same week we found out she said she wanted to see us at 7 weeks. So April 7th we all loaded up and headed to see our baby. Matt and I both really thought this one would be a boy. The boy that ever dad dreams of after being out numbered by girls. Matt said he would love a boy but wouldn't mind if it was a girl either. Although I was excited beyond belief something in me wasn't settled. I just felt like something was wrong. I constantly wondered if today would be the day I miscarried or possibly I wasn't even pregnant at all. I was anxious about everything and I chalked it up to wanting to be pregnant for so long. The girls, especially Hallie, was excited to see the baby growing in mommy's tummy. Dr Boheen pulled up the ultrasound and said everything looked great but was measuring a little smaller so she adjusted my dates to 6 weeks to compensate for the size. I asked a million questions about the placenta, the development structure, ect but she said at that point everything was looking good. I again pushed the bad thoughts away and started planning for the future. Our due date was Nov 30 but Dr Boheen said she was thinking more like the 16th. Which funny enough when our 1st due date was Nov 23rd I said since we are usually a little early Nov 16th sounds good. Here is a picture from our 1st ultrasound
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Because of my UC my drs(both ob and gi) wanted me to be seen every 2 weeks through my 1st trimester and then make a decision after that. So on April 21st I headed back to the dr this time by myself. Matt was in St. George on business so I left the girls with a friends to play. They decided to do another ultrasound but this time Dr. Boheen said she didn't think she had good news for me. The results weren't pleasant that 1st flutter of a heart beat we had seen at the 1st appointment was now gone and the baby hadn't grow very much and at this point should have been about 9 weeks. I was in shock and wasn't quite sure what to say. She explain that often babies that are missing chromosomes/abnormalities abort themselves this early due to the fact that they aren't compatible with life. She told me how sorry she was and asked if I was ok. I just sat there kinda emotionless I was shocked but not. My logical nurse brain got it I have seen several babies that may have been better off not having to endure Earth life....but not my baby. It was supposed to be healthy and whole. All those thoughts and feelings that had crossed my minds in the previous weeks I believe were God preparing me for this. But really how do you prepare yourself for this. Dr. Boheen explained my options and wrote me a Rx after the decision was made. I got to the car and panicked how would I tell Matt, how would I even bring it up? He was supposed to be having a work trip complete with golf and building relationships. What would he say? How would he react? I didn't even know how to react. I had another dr appointment to get to so I just gave it a minute to sink in. I text Matt and told him once he had a minute alone to call me. He called while I was in the waiting room for the next Dr. Appt. I excused myself and did my best in between sobs to explain to him that we had lost our baby. I heard the other end quiet and then I could tell he was upset to. He asked what I wanted him to do and I didn't know I didn't even know what to do. I told him to finish his trip and head home as planned. Once I got home after picking up the Rx it really set in. I read the directions and looked online for people's experience with Cytotec and I became even more panicked. People had gotten horribly ill and some needed hospitalization. I called my mom, knowing she had had a miscarriage in between Maddi and Nate. She didn't answer I called again and no answer. I figured she was at work but I needed my mom. I googled her office and called and was relieved when she answered the phone. I felt relieved to have her voice on the other line. I sobbed at 1st she couldn't even tell who I was. I calmed myself to the point I could explain myself. And then we cried together. She told me it was going to be ok and we talked it out a little. It made me feel better to tell someone that had the same experience. Once I had calmed down my mom had to go back to work but said she would call later to check in. I called Matt and told him I had changed my mind I needed him in just about every way possible. He responded with he had already decided he was coming home and was headed our direction in less than 20 minutes. I called my friend Erin, I needed her, she came right over and just held me. I didn't know what else to do so I just cried. Her husband happened to be home so he offered to some over and give me a blessing. The blessing was so wonderful it brought a lot of peace and comfort to my chaotic world. I felt the Lords love for me and was told we would be blessed with more kids when the time was right. I found myself feeling grateful for the opportunity to have been chosen by this baby to help him/her complete their mission on Earth as short as it had been. And even found some light hearted humor in the fact that I have always wanted 5 kids but Matt would prefer to have no more than 4 so this was the Lord's way of giving me what my true heart desire of having 5 kids but I will have to wait to raise him/her in the eternities. At that moment I felt so grateful for the gospel and the promises that families are forever. So I waited patiently for Matt to come home. Hallie was confused and asked what was wrong I did my best to explain to her that there was no longer a baby in mommies belly that it had to go back and live with Jesus. She seemed to understand, hugged me, told me she loved me, and went on with what she was doing. After the blessing I felt really good emotionally. It was hard taking the medication I questioned if the dr was wrong that I would be killing our baby and that was hard but I knew in my heart the dr was right. I took the medication and hoped for the best. Once Matt got home a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't need him to do anything but just be here. The results of the medication were better than I had prepared myself for but less than comfortable for sure. Matt and I had some really great conversation and felt at peace with the situation. On Wed (2 days later) I went back in for another ultrasound to make sure the medication had worked and that everything looked good. When Dr Boheen pulled up the picture everything looked clear but Hallie was disappointed when she realized there would be no pictures of a baby today. I explained to her that someday, hopefully soon, that we would have another baby for her to see in mommies belly. After the ultrasound it all seemed so final and the roller coaster of emotions has continued. Today Hallie asked to see the ultrasound picture and asked quite a few questions that I didn't know how to answer. I did my best to explain that in times like this we have to have faith that the Lord loves us and knows whats best. I know all of this seems so depressing and horribly sad and it has been but I hope that in the moments I look back on this or remember how I felt I remember the love I have felt from my father in heaven that loves me and know that I am trusting that someday I will get to raise that special little spirit that only needed to stay a short time to finish their time on Earth. And I hope that grandma was right when she said that before I got my babies that she would be loving them for me.
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